Taming the Excruciatingly Painful Ghosts Of Your Past

You wanna know what one of the most challenging aspects of growing up is?

Not just for your children…but you yourself as well?

It's simple to name but oooooooooh so difficult to embrace.

And that, of course, are the:

Excruciatingly painful ghosts of your past.

And MamaBear ain't just talkin' 'bout the paranormal or the Reality TV Show of "A Ghost Ate My Math Homework!" either.

See, it's like this.

Every single time we or our children go thru really trying challenges….it's bound to leave a few scars here and there.

True, those scars might be as easy to heal as a scratched mosquito bit…or they might be as soul-searingly agonizing as being stabbed in the heart and left for dead.

Whatever level of the pain…it makes no difference, chances are…some scarring *will* occur.

Now, time heals all wounds, of course.  But the thing that smacked MamaBear upside the head with the force of ten thousand screaming toddlers stampeding for free ice cream is the following.

The ghosts the scars leave….can re-emerge and blindside you with breathless ease.

And what MamaBear says "you", she doesn't *only* mean *you*…she means your kids, your friends, your spouse….anyone with whom you deal in life.

Trust me on this….when ghosts emerge, it can be real painful, real quick, and hurt the ones you love…real bad.

Which is real lousy-like, y'know?

Ghosts can emerge when you're with someone you love and all of a sudden, a trigger is detonated that spirals you down, down down…back down into all of the horrible feelings and anger you experienced when you were last hurt and scarred.

And when these ghosts emerg, all of your past emotions come flooding back to the surface, drowning your common sense and leaving you prey to horrible feelings that sap your personal strength from you faster than a TurboDyson vacuum cleaner.

Keep in mind….

That's what happens to you….I don't even want to get into how it affects the person who is the recipient of your reaction.

So how do you deal with these ghosts that can strike at a moment's notice and make your immediate life hell?

So glad you ask!  Here's what MamaBear recommends.

Short and sweet….embrace your ghosts, explain them to your friends, and come up with a red-flag word you can use whenever you're spiraling out of control.

Tell your children or your spouse or your friends or what have you *about* the experience that causes you to go bananas.

Explain to them that while you're banana-izing… it's *not* them, it *is* you, and you *will* return to normal as soon as possible.

MamaBear strongly believes that while every parent should be considered the All-Powerful Parental Unit, the plain fact is…

We're all human.  And as such, we all can fall prey to hurt and heartache.

But your loved ones shouldn't have to suffer.

See, in almost all cases, you cannot banish your ghosts all together.

The plain fact is….instead of disappearing, they might simply reside in your sub-conscious, ready to leap out and devastate when you least expect it.

That's life.  It sucks, but it's life.  How you deal with it…that's *key*.

So embrace your ghosts of the past. 

Welcome them into your heart and soul.

Tell them that while you honor the lessons those experiences taught you, you're no longer going to deny their existence.

Instead, you're going to tell your friends and loved ones about them, all about them…and then give red-flag words to your friends to let them know when you are going thru hell.

Thus, the next time a ghost pounces upon you and forces you to relieve a particular hell, you will *not* take your friends and loved ones unaware….instead, you'll tell them:

"I'm dealing with a ghost right now.  It's not you, it's me, I will be fine, but please…give me some time to deal with it."

You'd be surprised at how much hurt not only you will avoid…but also how grateful your loved ones will be that you care enough to give them warnings when your banana-izing hell starts.

And possessing that skill…is priceless.  Both for you…and your children as well.

Parent well,

MamaBear

Empathy Requires Compassion

Compassion

Here's something that's on MamaBear's mind this morning.

You got kids?

Great!

You got kids who have to interact with the world?

Mmmmhmmm.

Well, consider this.

One of the biggest skills that MamaBear teaches her cubs is to walk in others' shoes before slamming on the "OMG you're an utter idjut!" hat to their friends.

Y'know?

So often, she'll MamaBear hears about how this kids' friend was selfish or that kids' friend was clueless or the other kids' friend is just plain stupid.

And the first thing she does is say,

"Woah!  Have you considered all of the ghosts, baggage and other issues that might be assailing that person?"

For some strange reason, children were *not* born with empathy.

Hell, many adults fail dismally in that department too!

It's so easy for a parent to empathize with the child like so:

"You're completely right!  You're the injured party!  That kid is worthless beyond belief, you're 100% correct."

And y'know, that just plain frosts MamaBear's petunias….*big time*.

We're talking bigger than a breadbox, bigger than The Donald's ego, bigger than MamaBear's heart.

Pretty huge-like indeed.

See, the sad fact is, the world does *not* revolve around your child.

It doesn't even revolve around MamaBear, alas.

Instead, your kid needs to embrace that perhaps there are underlying issues that cause the strife in the first place.

  • Maybe the kids' parents are going through a divorce.
  • Maybe the kid just received a 79 on his Math test that he was sure he aced.
  • Maybe the kid is learning-disabled, and doesn't know how to handle friendship.
  • Maybe the kid experienced something that caused ghosts from November and February to rear up their heads again.

See what MamaBear means?

When your child comes to you and complains about someone, sure, their points are entirely valid.  Be sure your child recognizes you feel that way.

But next….take the time to offer up just *why* the problem might have occurred.  In other words…

Encourage your child to think on the "what if's?".

  • "What if…the kid took got hurt from your actions because said actions reminded them of a painful time in the past?
  • What if…the kid's family life is lousy, and it all just got to her?
  • What if…the kid has no idea that you're feeling this way, and it's all a big misunderstanding?

It's very easy for children to focus on how they themselves are hurting.  Actually, it's human nature…most people will look out for number one before anyone else.

But…you need to teach your children compassion as well.

They do *not* have to agree with the kids' actions….but perhaps viewing their situation with compassion might help them *understand* it better as well.

And that, in turn, will help them develop stronger and longer-lasting bonds of friendship to boot.

Parent well,

MamaBear